My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
