I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
