I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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