Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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