i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
