come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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