i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
