you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
