I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We had to coat check the pizza.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
