I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
