After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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