Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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