he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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