I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
