Jerry, you need to find god
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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