you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
