and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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