If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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