watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
