I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
