My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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