ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
