Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
