whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Let's paint friendship bongs
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Randomize
