I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
