Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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