the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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