My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
