i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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