I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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