And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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