I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
