omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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