walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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