Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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