Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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