epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
