Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
