I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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