She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
