Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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