census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
