Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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