i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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