WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
