I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
