i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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