I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
