life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize