She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
