I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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