I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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