fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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