worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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