The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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