the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
only if we run a train.
done.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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