I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
