If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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