when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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