I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
being pregnant is like rehab
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
